We are moving to Mississippi in 2 weeks. That’s 14 days.
We’re excited and couldn’t be more grateful or more blessed than we have been. Everything is falling into place and turning out better than could have been expected. Though while the good is all around us, I’ve felt very disconnected from the whole event.
We found out around Thanksgiving that the Mr was offered a new position at the university. It’s the position he’s been working toward, hoping one day he’d get the opportunity to move to the top. And now he’s there!
It’s been an adventure – moving from place to place all over the country as he moves up the ladder of his career, gaining new skills and new experiences. We’ve loved everywhere we’ve lived and have met the best people! I’ve loved being along for the ride.
I love change. I love new places. I love to travel, try new things, have new experiences. At least I used to. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
Since the end of November I have been nothing but stress, overwhelm, anxiety, and fear. (I don’t know that fear is the right word… I’m not afraid. But it is fear in the unknown. Not having answers to the questions that keep cycling through my head. Will we like it? Will we make friends? Will a tornado hit our house? Will I be happy? Will we be able to get outside and find things we enjoy doing? Will I survive the heat (literally… I think it could really kill me)? Will I survive the humidity? How am I going to take my kids to 3-4 different schools? Are the schools good? Will they help my children overcome their obstacles? Will my husband like his job? Is this really where we want to settle down? Why are we moving to MIssissippi??) Around and around and around they go…
In an effort to find solutions to our current financial situation (in regards to purchasing a home – which is working out rather well actually) I decided, and the Mr went along with it, that I would create a new pattern to help bring in some extra income. I am a strong believer in working for what you need and making sacrifices and doing all you can to make things work.
I spent the last few weeks immersed in a pattern writing reality. It was great! I loved it! I haven’t designed and written a pattern in over a year. I love the creativity and work that goes into it, it’s truly something I enjoy.
But it also takes time. Lots and lots of time. The, “I’m almost done!” never seems to actually come to an end. Until it finally does. Last night it came to an end. For the most part. I finished my pattern anyway, and I love it and I’m so excited for it! but thank goodness it’s done.
Now to move on to packing, cleaning, and actually moving.
Last night as we were getting ready for bed, I told my husband, “maybe now I can step back into reality.” Well, I did. and you know what I found?
I thought I was excited. I thought I was up for an adventure.
But that wasn’t what I found.
I found a scared and anxious little girl who’s not ready to be an adult, or take on adult things. I saw myself avoiding myself for the last few weeks, unwilling to face my reality. Unwilling to feel how I really feel and to be who I am and where I’m at right now in my life.
There are things I really love about who I used to be. Things I want to cling onto and keep forever. Like my adventurous soul and readiness to do anything and take on the world. To push through fear like it’s not even there.
I think those are good and noble things. But I realize that at sometime you have to just be. You have to be willing to sit with fear. Be willing to sit with the unknown. It’s not a fight. It’s not a power-struggle to see who can win. These feelings, these emotions, these experiences aren’t our enemies, and they aren’t necessarily our friends. But they are our companions. And they’re probably going to stick around for life.
So why not sit with them. Why keep pushing them away? Why, like my son who really wants a good friend but refuses to accept the friendship of his little brother who absolutely adores him, do we refuse the companionship of what is real?
As I sit here and write this, I want to take a break to cry. To let it all go. Let it all out. Stop pretending to God that I’m brave and courages and ready for whatever He places before me. And I want to just sit. Just be. Allow Him to comfort me and surround me in His loving arms. To be with me while I sit with my emotions and let them be.
And then when I’m done He’ll give me a nudge. Words of encouragement, “you can do this.” “It won’t be so bad.” “I’m here to help you, guide you, and be with you along the way.” And then he’ll give me a little push – a push filled with strength and power that only He can give, and I’ll find myself ready to face the challenge and the change ahead. Ready to take those steps forward, constantly checking – through prayer – that He is still beside me. And He will be.
And it will all be ok.
It’s ok to fear. It’s ok to be scared. But it’s not ok to not accept that we feel our feelings and are who we are.
Even when we feel like we are facing the challenges of life head on, tearing through all obstacles with all the intensity and courage we can muster, if we don’t accept our emotions, we’re still running away from them.
I have dealt with anxiety and depression to different degrees all through out my life. Facing them and getting to know them, not as my enemy but as my companion, helps me to deal with them in an empowering way. They no longer control me, but rather present me with choices. Choices to succumb and believe them, or to choose a better and higher way.
I enjoy sharing what I learn in hopes that it can also help lift and empower others to connect to their life long companions, whatever they may be.